My friends and therapist thought it would be a good idea to write these things down and now that some time has passed, I’ve been able to see things more clearly than I did in the past. I’m not an egomaniac; I realize that it takes two people to make a marriage work, and two people to let it fail. I am also a realist; not everything in this world is butterflies and rainbows, sunshine and unicorns. My story isn’t meant to be a dig at my ex nor is it meant to embarrass anyone, point the finger, or start World War III. Shit happens, as they say, and these are my thoughts about myself, where I fell short and could have done things differently, and most importantly what I observed going through this process.
First, let’s talk about some of the signs that led me to look where I did. In order to put some things in context, I will give you a short background. Super short. We met in college, were married young, had children, moved a few times, and finally settled in South Florida in the early 2000’s. To any outsider, the marriage was great and the family was text book. We had the homes, the cars, the vacations, the kids in private schools and we put on our “happy faces” for everyone to see like a movie producer shouting “Action!”. But behind closed doors it was far from perfect. I have heard people either grow together, or they grow apart. I believe that to be true. That’s about it for now and maybe later I can come back and write more if the content is something that can help other people, or if my story is one that will resonate with other men and women in hopes they can avoid some of the pitfalls.
To me, the deterioration of a marriage happens in phases. During each phase, until the last phase, there is still a chance to turn things around and go back through the phase or phases you experienced. The ONLY way to do this is through open and honest communication. If the communication is not honest, you can’t go back and you won’t make progress. I am not talking about the deterioration of a relationship; I am talking about marriage. To me that’s different and with my generation, I would like to think that most people dated with intention, and married with the intention of staying married. Maybe I am just too Catholic but that’s how I was raised.
The phases of deterioration are: 1) Petty Issues, 2) Bigger Issues, 3) Major Issues, 4) Resentment, 5) Malcontent, and 6) Mistrust. I believe that once you pass the phase of Malcontent, it’s almost impossible to come back. For sure, when Trust is gone, everything is gone. Let’s look at the phases.
Petty Issues and Bigger Issues can be real and should always be topics of discussion which adults should be able to discuss in a mature, open, and candid format. They are also issues which can be overcome with very little compromise, and clear communication. For example; “I don’t like meatloaf”. It’s not something to end a marriage over and it’s a minor issue. How does it escalate from Petty to Bigger? When one vocalizes dislike for certain things and those things, behaviors, etc. continue to happen. Since the meatloaf is an example, let’s stay on it to demonstrate. If I have vocalized my dislike clearly, and backed it up with logical support like “I am trying to be more mindful of making healthy choices to keep my cholesterol down so I am trying to eat less red meat and be more healthy, so I can live longer and be a happy, healthy husband and father“, that’s pretty clear. I also don’t think something petty should ever rise beyond the point of being a Bigger issue, so work it out!
Major Issues are things that impact the entire family like finances, health, major decisions, other family members, etc. Major issues should be addressed immediately, and seriously such that if resolution cannot be found then outside help should be sought. If you can’t afford help or therapy, call upon trusted family members from both sides, friends, or people whose opinions you both value and trust. I promise you, if left unchecked, Major Issues will fester into Resentment and Malcontent. For example, let’s move! Let’s buy a house we can’t afford or take a vacation we can’t pay cash for. Let’s put it on the credit card and figure it out later. The number one reason for divorce in the United States is often cited as communication problems or lack of effective communication between partners. However, other leading causes commonly reported include infidelity, financial disagreements, and incompatibility. These factors frequently lead to emotional distance, unresolved conflicts, and ultimately, the breakdown of the marriage. These major issues need to be addressed.
Resentment and Malcontent must be avoided at all cost if you want a marriage to last. Resentment sows the seeds of Malcontent, allowing it to blossom and grow into full blown Mistrust. Resentment is a complex emotion that can be described as a combination of anger, disappointment, and disgust. It can be triggered by a variety of circumstances, including: Systemic or historic injustices, Being taken advantage of, Feeling put down, Unrealistic expectations, Not feeling heard, and Power imbalances. If any of these signs sound remotely familiar, it’s a HUGE WARNING SIGN for you to wake up!! Malcontent, while seeming a lot like Resentment, is different because it means the symptoms which caused Resentment have gone unchecked. This can be dangerous because when a person becomes Malcontent, he or she is likely to be rebellious and act out in retaliation to the things they are unhappy with. It is these retaliatory actions which will lead to the final phase of Mistrust.
Mistrust is the final phase. When trust is broken—whether due to infidelity, financial dishonesty, or betrayal in other forms—it often leads to the deterioration of the relationship. Mistrust can manifest in various ways, such as Lack of Transparency: Dishonesty about finances, personal habits, or intentions can slowly erode the foundation of trust. Even small lies can accumulate and create a sense of insecurity in the relationship. Broken Promises: Consistently failing to keep promises or follow through on commitments can create mistrust over time, as one partner may feel they cannot rely on the other. Remember, by the time you’ve reached this phase the seeds of Resentment and Malcontent were left alone to thrive and grow. I am not saying the Trust cannot be rebuilt, but it takes a lot of time and effort to overcome bonds that were broken.
Before I conclude this post with the last section, I will wrap up the first section by stating that I personally experienced each one of these phases throughout the nearly 20 years of marriage I experienced before I served my Ex-wife with divorce papers. I know these phases because I looked them in the eye and confronted them head on. Many times I was able to overcome issues and the marriage continued. In the end, I could not overcome every issue and like 50% of marriages in the US, I chose divorce. So how did I catch her cheating?
Sadly I ended up in the last phase of Mistrust and it was this feeling that caused me to start looking in places where I would not have normally looked.
I started to notice that when I was traveling for work, I would call home at the end of the day and she was not home, or she was “out running errands” and couldn’t talk (Mistrust). In a home where she never had to work a traditional day job (yes, being a stay home mom is a job!), I didn’t understand why it was necessary to be out at the grocery store at 8 pm when she had all day (or all week) to do those things? Especially when we had help with the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, and shopping. (Mistrust)
On another occasion, I called home (no answer) and her cell phone several times. When she finally answered the cell, she said she was at her best friends house and the kids were “in the pool” and she couldn’t talk. (Mistrust) What she never knew was that after she hung up I called the friends house to invite them out to dinner the coming weekend. The friend put me on speaker phone, and we had a twenty minute chat about the families, the kids, and where we wanted to meet up for dinner. When I asked when the last time she spoke to my wife was, or if she mentioned going out, her friend said “oh, about 3 or 4 days ago”, at which point I knew my wife was not at her house. (Mistrust) (Later, I confronted the friend about my ex-wife’s whereabouts on that particular night, to which the friend confided that she often “covered” for my wife adding, “Dan, she has never brought the kids to the house to swim”. As you can imagine, it set my mind to spinning about all the other times she had been out.
One more quick story…and believe me, I have a lot! On another occasion, I came home to see a dozen roses on the dining room table. I asked who sent the lovely flowers, to which my wife stated “My Mom”, like it was nothing. I thought it was unusual for her mom to send flowers for no reason, and I asked why there was no card and why her mom had sent them. (Mistrust) She immediately became red in the face, agitated, and started yelling at me making a bunch of outlandish statements. Like above, I also found out later whom the real sender was when I confronted her same friend to ask if she had any idea who would have sent them. Funny, he was there with her on the day I moved my things out of the marital house.
Like the Malcolm Gladwell Book Tipping Point, there comes a time in any situation where something happens. A tipping point refers to a critical threshold or moment at which a small change or action can cause a significant, often irreversible, effect or shift in a system, process, or situation. Once this point is reached, the momentum of change becomes unstoppable, leading to a larger transformation. For me, that moment occurred like this. (short version)
I don’t believe it is necessary to provide specific details. Some things should stay private no matter how much pain, hurt, or damage the other person caused. There came a point in time where my ex-wife’s public behavior around a certain young man* was becoming increasingly uncomfortable for me and my family. A light bulb went off in my often gullible and sometime naive brain; something was going on.
I couldn’t sleep that night, and went to my office tired, cranky, and suspicious the next day. I had a crazy idea. Everyone in the company AND my family had a cell phone which was part of my company plan. I had noticed that she had been acting weird about her phone, changing the lock passcode, and being very careful about where she was leaving it. For a moment I felt ashamed that I was even questioning this, but something told me I had to look. I can only assume that as a non-technical person, she had no idea I had access to all the cell phone records of every cell phone on my company account.
You can probably guess what I found.
I was surprised to learn that Verizon let’s you download all the cell phone activity, calls and texts, to an Excel spreadsheet. Once downloaded, I organized the spreadsheet based upon the numbers called, with the largest number of “same phone number called” at the top of the list, and the least number at the bottom. I recognized most of the numbers on the list including my own, our kids, her mom, her aunt, and her cousin. It was even easy to see whom she called the most and how long they spoke as all the details where there; her aunt every day at 10 am until 11. Her mom every other day at 3 pm. The kids every once in a while, and same with me. What surprised me were the numbers I did not recognize. The total number of phone calls to me and the immediate family were about 40 calls that month. Same with text messages. The total number of calls to the numbers I did not recognize were over 200….YES, 200 and the texts were the same! (And yes, you can also see the media images sent via text!) Remember the word Tipping Point from above? Here it is…
One of the most recent calls to one of the unknown numbers had happened the night prior to my investigation, from 1045 pm until 1155 pm! I had gone to bed at 10 pm that night meaning she must have waited for me to fall asleep and then snuck someplace else in the house to have a one hour+ call? Who was this person?? I had to know.
I waited a few minutes and composed myself, closing the office door. Acting cool and calm, I called the number to find it was the same young man whom I mentioned above*.
The rest is, as they say, history…at least for now.
I can’t keep secrets at all, so I did confront her about it. When confronted, she admitted what was going on and justified it by saying “he is my best friend, you wouldn’t understand”.
Liar’s figure, but figures don’t lie.
Thanks for being my virtual therapist outlet!